Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The uncertainty of it all.


I haven't posted anything in a while, but there are just some things that hit you so hard you just have to write. Sitting here on my bed this morning going through all the usual social media site I was struck by two completely different stories. One was about a 3 year old boy taken too soon, in an instant while chasing a frisbee in to the street. The other was an excerpt from Rob Lowe's memoir about his son going off to college. And I sit here 31 weeks pregnant crying and thinking about the small life I am carrying. Her nursery is done, the mini crib is set up in our room waiting for her to sleep in. We don't know her yet but there is evidence of her nearing arrival sprinkled all through out the house. The months and months of anticipation and expectation are constantly on my mind - who will she be, who will she look like, what will she do with her life? Being a parents changes you, I already feel it and haven't even held my child yet. It makes you think crazy things like if I just keep her in my womb forever she will be safe - she won't get hurt, or sad, and she won't be able to leave us to go away to college, and we know even this isn't true...and also impossible and crazy.... The thought that Piper could be taken from us at any moment rocks me to my core. If I think about it my throat closes up and my stomach hurts, I can only imagine how much worse it will get when I lay eyes on her. When moments turn into days and months and years as her small roots graft to ours and become impossible to separate. I think of all this as I scroll through this mother's Instagram pictures of her son. They had no idea it was his last thanksgiving with them, his last ice cream cone shared on a sunny pier, his last goodnight and good morning kiss. Breaks.my.heart. The thought that Piper's small life is out of my control scares me. The thought that life marches on no matter how desperately you love someone or hold on to them or try to keep them safe scares me. Reading that story side by side with the story Rob Lowe tells brings up more thoughts. Even if Piper is happy and healthy and lives a long life, she will still leave us. She will one day become her own person and start her own life apart from us. Which of course is natural and I can imagine as a parent very rewarding, but still it had me in tears. She is ours only for a moment, for the blink of an eye. One morning we will swaddle her and rock her and sing to her and the next we will be packing the car and marveling at the young woman she has become. Life is so uncertain and so hard. Clinging to our children like it will keep them safe, or here, or little is in vain. I pray that God will give me the grace to be able to live my life holding her small one up to Him. To recognize each moment with her is a gift and a moment to be cherished. That I can see past the endless nights and messes and attitude and teenage rejection and the moments I will want to run away from it all and just soak it in. To realize that come joy or sorrow there will come a time when we have to say goodbye and let her go. I am no where near that point now but I know when I get there I will feel like I was just here. Just waiting for her to arrive, just seeing her for the first time, just watching her small life unfold and too soon it is gone. Sometimes tragically permanent and sometimes just joyfully different. Lord help me cherish my Piper girl and any siblings that come. Help me hold her close but also loose enough that I realize the frailty of life. Thank you Lord for the opportunity to be her parents. I pray we love her well. 

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